


Konna itami mo ashita ni wa (This pain will be here tomorrow as well)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Break Up, Cheating, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 06:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He liked it.He damn did.He liked feeling Hikaru’s hands on himself, he liked feeling his breath in his ear, he liked to feel the urge in his movements, every single one of them.





	Konna itami mo ashita ni wa (This pain will be here tomorrow as well)

He liked it.

He damn did.

He liked feeling Hikaru’s hands on himself, he liked feeling his breath in his ear, he liked to feel the urge in his movements, every single one of them.

He liked it so much that he could forget about his guilt, and it was enough to make him feel better.

“Yuuyan...” and much, perhaps too much, he liked hearing his name said with that voice filled with desire, the same desire he feel at moments like this.

Those moments, where he managed to turn his mind off.

When Hikaru entered him, he closed his eyes. For the tension, for the pain, and because he didn’t want to see. He just wanted to feel, to hear his own moans drown out the younger’s, to feel his touch on his skin, to feel how every thrust was always deeper than the one before, how Hikaru seemed to be unable to stop or to slow down, as if it was impossible of him to resist Takaki’s body.

And that feeling, he loved that.

Feeling desired, wanted, taken.

Feeling Hikaru’s need becoming more and more pressing, seeing him give up to his orgasm while he came as well.

It never lasted long, but those were the best moments of his day.

When the younger pulled out of him to lay down on the mattress, he felt empty all of a sudden.

He got closer, resting his head on his chest and wrapping his arms around his waist, feeling some sort of relief feeling his sweaty skin beneath his face and the quickened pace of his heart.

“How long can you stay?” Yaotome asked after a few minutes, distractedly brushing a finger over his face.

Yuya groaned.

He didn’t like being taken back to reality so abruptly.

He wished he could’ve spent the night in that bed, next to Hikaru, as if it was natural.

Yet, he didn’t mind going back home. He didn’t mind getting there, wear his pyjamas and lay down in bed next to his boyfriend.

He loved Chinen, not Hikaru.

It was Chinen who loved him, not Hikaru.

And he couldn’t explain what kept taking him there, inside that house, night after night, making up the worst excuses with Yuri so that he could’ve kept seeing Hikaru.

And if it wasn’t for love, it wasn’t only for sex either.

More precisely, he would've described Yaotome as a drug.

They had been together one night, almost by chance, when Yuya hadn't been fully in control over himself, after a bad fight with Yuri.

He didn’t justify himself for what he had done that night, he didn’t justify himself because he kept doing it.

But since that time, he hadn't managed to stop.

Hikaru called, or the opposite happened, he asked him to go to his place without specifying the reason, as if they didn’t both know that they would've ended up in bed together, like every other time.

Yuya was tired, but he wasn’t ready to give this up yet.

“I’ve told Chii I would've come back early tonight.” he checked the time, wincing. “It’s nine already... it’s better if I go.” he said then, getting up and picking his clothes off the floor, heading toward the bathroom.

He had just opened the door, when he heard a quick movement behind his back, and the next thing he knew Hikaru’s arms were around his hips, his forehead against the back of his head.

“Stay.” he whispered against his skin, with a voice that Yuya couldn’t really interpret.

He didn’t hesitate for a moment.

Not for a moment he thought to call Chinen to tell him he was going to be late, to stay with Hikaru, to end up having sex again, to feel even worse than he already did.

“Yuri’s waiting for me.” he said, resolved, loosening the other’s hold on him and getting inside the bathroom, closing the door behind his back.

He turned the water on and leant against the wall, as if he couldn’t stand on his own.

He raised his eyes on the mirror in front of him.

As it often happened these past few months, the face he saw reflected made him feel sick.

 

~

 

“I’m home!” he said, out loud, as soon as he walked in.

Leaving, he hadn't said a word to Hikaru.

The atmosphere hadn't been the best, and his request for him to stay was still floating through the air, bringing with itself a certain awkwardness for both of them.

He had muttered a quick goodbye and he had left, because he wasn’t ready to have an argument.

Chinen joined him in the living room, smiling openly.

“Welcome back!” he said, tiptoeing to kiss him. “Did you have fun with Hikaru?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

That question almost made Yuya shiver, but he kept his cool.

Those were his half-truths: he never said he was with someone he actually wasn’t, he didn’t make up commitments that could’ve been easily verified.

He had told him he was having dinner with Hikaru, and as much as his question added up to his guilt, it was for the best.

“Yes. We ate sushi.” he said, without giving him too many details. “What about you? What did you do?”

The younger shrugged, looking vaguely bored.

“I ate ramen. Nothing much.” he said, then he held on to his hips and kissed him again. “And I’ve waited for you. I couldn’t wait for you to come back.” he whispered, with a lascivious tone Yuya knew all too well.

He winced, careful not to let him notice, and pushed him away, as delicate as possible.

“I’m sorry, Yuri. But... I’m really tired. I don’t really feel like it.” he said, biting his lip.

He saw him raising an eyebrow and looking questioningly at him, as if he was trying to read beyond what he was saying, as if he was looking for a better justification than the one he had given him.

He didn’t seem to find it, or anyway he didn’t deem necessary to investigate further.

He shrugged, and Yuya breathed a sigh of relief.

They spent the rest of the evening on the couch; Chinen was reading, while he turned on the TV, searching for something to watch.

But he wasn’t focused, at all.

Yuri’s presence, somehow, made him feel nervous.

He wasn’t doing anything, and he knew it was just his guilt making him feel that way.

He kept feeling Hikaru’s hands on him, he kept playing in his mind every single moment of that night, as if he couldn’t help it.

It happened often and, as much as he kept telling himself he should’ve gotten used to it, thinking about one of them while he was so close to the other was unpleasant, very much so.

He wished he could’ve found a solution, but there were choices he didn’t have the courage to make.

When that night he and Yuri got to bed, none of that thoughts had disappeared yet.

He turned the lights on and closed his eyes, listening to the younger’s breathing until it became slow and even enough to tell him that he had fallen asleep.

He couldn’t.

 

~

 

Those walls again, and he had gotten used to those.

Those hands on him again, that smell of sweat, of sex.

That heavy breathing in his ear.

Yuya started to feeling torn about all of this.

As if the disgust for himself had slowly starting to overcome the pleasure Hikaru was able to give him.

That night, the younger had asked him to tell Chinen he was going to be late.

And if he had been expecting only sex by that request, he had been dead wrong.

There had been sex.

And it had been like always, it didn’t seem like there was anything different in Hikaru’s behaviour.

And yet, once they had been done and the other had pulled out of him, something in his face told him that there wasn’t going to be some time to recover before the second round, that there wasn’t going to be a second round at all.

Hikaru wanted to talk, and it was what he feared most of all.

He didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to keep pretending that things between them were perfectly normal, that it was normal to jump each other from time to time, that it was normal for him to go back to Chinen right after, that it was normal for them to act like nothing had ever happened in front of the others.

But Yaotome, of course, was thinking otherwise.

“How long do we plan on going on like this, Yuya?” he asked, wrapping the sheet around his hips and turning toward him, staring at him.

Takaki didn’t have an answer for him, but he knew that somehow he was going to have to make up one.

“I don’t know, Hikka. But it didn’t seem like you were complaining much about how things are going, weren’t you?” he asked, pretending a confidence that he didn’t have at all.

He was cornered, and he knew that.

“No, I wasn’t. I want you to come here, I want to have sex with you, I...” he paused, then sighed. “How does it make you feel to go back home to Chinen, after having slept with me?” he asked, and the other thought he could hear bitterness in his voice.

He bit his lip, shaking his head.

“How do you think it makes me feel?” he asked, sarcastic. “Makes me sick.” he added then, as if it was obvious.

Hikaru scoffed.

“But you keep coming here whenever I ask.” he stated, thoughtful. “Have you ever thought about that, Yuya? Have you ever thought about what you feel, what you do to Chinen... what you do to me?”

Yuya felt the anger pile up inside up, and he could do nothing to stop it.

He caught the meaning of that question, he caught the hint.

But he didn’t like it, at all, just like he didn’t the whole situation.

“Have I? Do you really believe I can think about anything else since this whole thing has started? Do you believe I like sleeping in the same bed as Yuri when I’ve got your smell still on me, that I like being in this damn bed with you fucking me when it’s him I’m thinking about?” he yelled, then he tried to cool down, failing miserably. “I think about what I’m doing, I barely think about anything else. But it’s not fair of you to blame this all on me. There’s two of us, isn’t there? We’ve gotten into this together and...” he was about to go on, with the same angered voice, but the other didn’t let him.

“Do you really think I’ve decided to start this because I had no other way to kill time? Do you think there’s nothing behind it?” he replied, arching an eyebrow and looking almost amused.

Yuya got up quickly and started to dress up, while his eyes didn’t leave the younger’s.

“I’m sorry if you’ve thought there was something more, Hikaru. I’ve thought that... well, that things were heading down a certain path, with us.” he murmured, frowning.

And he really believed that.

He believed there was nothing else between them, that Hikaru wanted to meet him and have casual sex, because...

Yuya’s breathing got faster, uneven.

Because he couldn’t be wanting something more from him, because he had never seen something leading to that, and because somehow Hikaru must’ve known he wasn’t going to find it, not with him.

“I know, Yuya. I know.” he said, without looking at him.

They kept still, and all Takaki could do was sigh.

“We can’t see each other anymore, can we Hikka?” he asked, and somehow it made him feel relieved.

The younger shook his head, looking sad.

“I think we better not.” he murmured, his voice barely audible.

Yuya nodded, as to say he understood.

And he did, actually. He understood what Hikaru had told him, he knew what he wanted and he knew that he could never give him what he was looking for.

He got to the door and looked at him, hesitatingly.

“Go away.” Hikaru said to him, and Yuya could do nothing but comply.

He left that apartment, knowing that for a while he wasn’t going to step foot there.

Things were over, sometimes, even when he hadn't had the courage of making a decision.

And he couldn’t help but taking it as a good thing.

 

~

 

Yuya had tried to make them all happy, and he had failed.

Had things been even slightly different, it wouldn’t have ended up like this.

If there hadn't been Chinen he would've been able to love Hikaru, if there hadn't been Hikaru he would've kept loving Chinen without ending up cheating on him.

And now he had Yuri, and he couldn’t make him happy, and he had Hikaru with his heart broken.

And he had left, and it didn’t matter that the younger had been the one asking.

Hikaru had done the right thing, after all.

He had made things clear, even if it had taken time.

He had told him how he felt, and Yuya felt like a damn idiot for not having realized that sooner.

Hikaru had done the right thing, for the wrong man.

He had fallen in love and he shouldn’t have, and had he realized that sooner he would've locked that love inside himself, taking it as something that could never be real.

Yuya was never going to forgive himself for having let him hope.

That night he went to sleep next to Yuri, and he felt different somehow.

He knew he was never going to be completely good, that he wasn’t going to forget what he had done to him.

That he was going to tell, one day, once that weight would've been done devouring him, once he wasn’t going to able to stand to look in his eyes and think about what had happened.

There would've been the right time, but it wasn’t now.

Yuya wasn’t alright, not yet, maybe he was never going to be.

But at least, that night, he finally managed to sleep.


End file.
